It's Been A While.... Spritual Life

So within the past few months me and God have been on another "break". I'm not ashamed to say it because this is where I am at right now. There is a lot of hurt and downheartedness that I am trying to process through. I am so sick and tired of being fake, of acting like my spiritual life is all together. I am sick of being around people that are playing the "fake-it" game with the world just to hide that they are human. I am willing to say to all that listen that I am who I am.

So I have been running away from the altar at my church. What I mean by that is this... Most christians understand when there is an altar call at most churches where God is truly moving that when you go up there for prayer that the power of God is going to meet you there. I mean this is the whole reason why the veil to the Holy of Holies was torn in two in the first place, so that we can have a direct connection to God. And the reason that I have been running is because I have been dealing with a spirit of rejection.... scratch that it has been dealing with me. I have been away from the church that I grew up in for 5 years. I just returned last year in September and have been trying to shake the feeling that I was not wanted there. So every time there has been an altar call, my spirit man has wanted to be up there and be free but my flesh has wanted to just sit there because I didnt want to endure the embarrassment of feeling like no one cared enough to pray for/with me at the altar.

A very important woman in my life, my God-Mother has encouraged me to write. And as hard as it is for me to get my thoughts onto paper, im going to give it a try. This is all in hopes that my friends, family and even strangers will read my writings and see that they aren't alone.

I've recently been torn by a calling I feel has been placed on my life. I have wanted to attend World Harvest Bible College since I was 12. November 2007, I was accepted to the college. October 2008, I had the chance to visit the campus. This visit even more solidified my desire to go. But recently, I have started college here in Florida and have lost that zeal to move to Ohio in August to start the fall session at WHBC. Its not that I don't have the faith that God is going to provide the money for tuition and moving. However I refuse to do the same thing I did with the Honor Academy. I want to finish my degree here in Florida and have the money to move to Ohio and attend. I really dont know what to do right now.

So this has been a snapshot into my heart. To all my friends. Please keep me in your prayers.